Fear is a tyrant...

Looking back through my journal brings so many memories... embarrassing, happy, silly, painful...
One thing that I could not help but see is the innocence of an eleven year old girl--living as a perfectly content human without a care of what someone thought of me: no fear of man. I suppose that is, in truth, what it boils down to... I have an intense fear of man. I abhor doing something that makes me look or feel stupid, ill educated or undignified.

I do not know when or why it started.

I have been spoken to about it four years ago, but I had not really thought about in terms of "fear" until someone at a speech tournament said something about it... I have been haunted with the words spoken ever since.

Can I really be fearful of man?

Yes. I am.

Fear is a tyrant. Inescapable. Merciless. It has a vice hold. Ever advancing, never retreating. It lurks in my mind, with every move I make it seems to speak.

"Someone's watching... disapproving... pointing."

Can I ever overcome? A fortress can be ruined by a single crumbling cornerstone; a great ship can sink if there is one hole. I am not a fortress, nor am I a great ship... more like a small shack, or a life raft. None the less... if not reenforced, I will be weak. I am weak.

I despise you! Why wont you leave me be?! Why do you continue to torment me?! I have fought you ceaselessly, but you won't release me from your cruel grip... Oh, how I despise you.

Oh Father, Father... I am weary, unable to win lost ground, unable to fight with strategy. I have lost battle over battle, yet I will not lose this war. Father, oh Father, please take up your sword, take up your mighty force, and fight this war for me. Overcome this loathsome enemy, like you overcame your enemies of old. I stand before you in despare.

"In God I trust; I will not be afraid. For what can man do to me?"
- Psalm 56:11

"So I will say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"
- Hebrews 13:6