no.9

i've moved!

2011-02-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern,

I am posting to inform you of my recent change in location.
Please, update your books with my new address:

andie jael
cloudno9.tumblr.com

Feel free to write me, or drop by at any time! I would love to share a story and a cup of tea with you.

Much love,
me

2011-02-11T10:02:00.000-08:00

i sing the
alphabet in my
head when i
look up a word
in the
dictionary.

2011-02-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

i am called to live for
so much more than
stifling trivialities.

god, help me.

2011-02-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

we sing the same song. we are in a different keys.

2011-02-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

beware of producing an ishmael while waiting for an isaac.

2011-01-24T19:32:00.001-08:00

2011-01-03T00:34:00.000-08:00

well....
it cannot be hidden.
i
have
a love affair
with
a
cuban
cortadito...

2010-12-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

the monosyllable of the clock is

loss
loss
loss
loss
loss

unless you devote your heart to its opposition.

2010-12-06T21:29:00.001-08:00

“I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.”

—	Agatha Christie

lost in translation.

2010-11-17T21:06:00.000-08:00

the hebrew word, 'shalom' has so much meaning that is lost in translation. we translate it simply as 'peace,' but the english word is basically negative, referring only to the absence of trouble and hostility. the hebrew word means much more than that... it means absolute wholeness, full, harmonious, flourishing life.

no, 'peace' just doesn't encompass completeness, wholeness, heath, welfare, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfection, fullness, rest, harmony and absence of discord.

this brings new light to, "sar shalom"...

.... prince of shalom.

2010-11-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

.if it ends well, it will be a fairytale.

2010-10-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

2010-10-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

"i am able..."

yikes.
what a tragic
lack of perspective
on my part.

2010-10-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

lord, i pray that you would be my supreme treasure. i ask that i would be able to say your loving kindness is better than life. that i would believe that nothing can separate me from the love of God. that i would rejoice in your goodness, beauty, grace and kindness in the midst of difficulty and suffering, pain and heartbreak. i ask, that by your spirit, i would love and adore you more than anyone or anything else.

tee-ta-lee-hoo....... tee-ta-lee hoo....... ta ta ta...

2010-09-29T22:51:00.000-07:00

last night i was awakened by the song of the mocking bird.

shrill.
repetitive.
strange.
imitating.

his song hung in the air.

he was an echo of everything around him
yet had not a single original composition to offer.

he sat on his high branch,
devoting himself to repeating
and perfecting the recital of every dream but his own.
he sat alone
pretending to be everything he is not.

i feel like a mocking bird.

jesus...

2010-09-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

is the son of God,
is the heir of all things,
is the sustainer of the universe,
is the creator or the world,
is the radiance of God's glory,
is the exact representation of God's nature,
is the high priest of perfection,
is seated at the right hand of majesty,
has a more excellent name,
is the one whom the angels worship,
is the exalted King,
is the Lord of righteousness,
is the anointed one,
is the eternal, unchanging one and the ultimate conqueror!
is crowned with glory and honor,
is the one for whom all things exist,
is the one who rendered the devil powerless,
is our deliverer,
is our helper,
is a merciful and faithful high priest,
is the one who is able to help the tempted!
is worthy of more glory than Moses,
is a faithful son,
is our sabbath rest,
is the sinless and enthroned one who brings us near!
is the perfect one,
is the source of eternal salvation,
is our hope,
is the anchor to our souls,
is sure and steadfast,
is the forerunner into heaven for us!
is our Lord,
is an indestructible life,
is a better hope,
is the guarantee of a better covenant,
is the one who abides forever,
is the one who lives to make intercession for us,
is the one who is holy, innocent, undefiled, separate from sinners, exalted above the heavens,
is the one who offered himself once and for all,
is seated at the right hand of the throne of the majesty on high,
is the one who gives better promises,
is the one who obtained eternal redemption for us,
is the one without blemish,
is the one who's blood cleanses our consciences,
is the one who puts away sin,
is the one who shall appear again,
is the all sufficient sacrifice,
is the one who perfects those who are sanctified,
is the author and finisher of our faith,
is the one who endured the cross for the joy set before him,
is the discipler of those who love him,
is the judge of all,
is the blood that speaks better than Abel's sacrifice,
is the one who will never leave us or forsake us,
is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow,
is the one whom through we praise God,
is our great shepherd,
is the one to whom be the glory forever and ever.

this is my Jesus, as seen in the thirteen chapters of Hebrews.

thank you jesus,

2010-09-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

that you picked me. even though i was hard to see.
for making it rain the other evening. i needed that raindrop lullaby.
for your reassuring promise to provide. 'cause, i might freak out if it was on me.
for paneras. it's a good place to meet with friends.
for my milk frother. it makes me quite happy.
that you used me to encourage someone this week. i was blessed.
for being in control. i am out of control.
that you gave me eyes that see. there is so much to see.
for my beautiful, new bible. it smells nice.
for chocolate. because, otherwise, i would always have an unsatisfied craving.
for my insecurities. they keep me down to earth.
for css. 'cause, html just doesn't cut it.
that my cat likes to snuggle. 'cause i need a snuggle buddy sometimes.
for my dad. he reminds me of you.
that you love me. 'cause, i don't love me.

2010-09-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt,
those who keep silent hurt more.

not in vain

2010-09-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

He is for those betrayed by love and deserted by joy... for those enshrouded by darkness and stricken by pain... for those imprisoned by hopelessness and cast deep into despair... for those robbed of dignity and worth.... for those crushed and broken and forgotten...

so that they too might sing and soar... and know that they have not lived and suffered in vain...

But that they may know that there is beautiful purpose and joy in the midst of the dismal destitution of the soul and mind.

jesus, restore and revive my soul.

2010-09-08T10:55:00.000-07:00

You must believe that God is separate from the world
and that some of the things we see in it are contrary to His will

{ clive lewis }

2010-09-07T19:34:00.001-07:00

i don't know what's going to happen
but that's okay.

'cause, i know that God is good.

2010-09-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

i am not apt to give grace to people like my Jesus is.

lord, teach my prideful heart.
break my heart for what breaks yours.

what i need and what i believe are worlds apart.

2010-09-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me.

so steal my heart and take the pain take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty, take my tears — take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

[. jars of clay | worlds apart .]

my love my peace

2010-08-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

each day seems the same to me but harder all the time

until I turn to Jesus, my love, my peace, I find

2010-08-29T20:13:00.000-07:00

losing weight is worse than gaining. stress is taking it's toll on me. i have lost far too much weight. something is wrong when you have to workout to add to the numbers on the scale.

god, please give my soul peace. my body can't take much more.

2010-08-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

i want to be the kind of girl that, the more i lose, the more i worship God.

2010-08-23T18:39:00.000-07:00

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

{chris tomlin | take my life}

2010-08-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

talking with quiet
confidence will always beat
screaming with obvious
insecurity.

2010-08-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

life begins
at the end of your comfort zone.

2010-08-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

i am resolved, but not without great pain.

sleep evades me.

2010-08-17T03:02:00.000-07:00

yet, when sleep finally decides to take hold,
gently pulling me beneath four layers of coherency,
i wish to never wake.

my wishes are not to be granted.
the sun, without failing,
peeps her golden rays across my shades.
shadows and highlights laugh at me
as they flit across my lashes,
urging me to rise and walk through yet another day.

so, i will. thank you jesus for another day.
your mercies are new each morning.

2010-08-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

It took me a moment to realize that it wasn't a cruel joke--it was cruel, but it wasn't a joke.

2010-08-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

life gave her lemons and she made pink lemonade.
i want to make some too.

2010-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

depression is to my soul

as lace is to the handkerchief in my hands
it fringes my own thin edges.

in the battles between misery and trust,
anger and calm,
resistance and resignation,
every broken utterance scorches my chest,
while stolid silence wracks my soul with ache.
am i to do nothing, attempting not to feel?

i swim to keep my head above the tumultuous current.
the very act of survival is killing me.

oh God, rescue me.
save me from my own destructive,
faltering attempts at holding perspective and sanity.
restore the joy that i cannot fabricate.

day by day
my heart breaks anew.
evening by evening,
by the light of the moon,
holes are darned,
the tears are mended.

2010-07-31T14:13:00.000-07:00

"...God will take away the things we highly value
in order to ensure that we value Him most."
-britt merrick

psalm 147.3

2010-07-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

{. He heals the brokenhearted & binds up their wounds .}

2010-07-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

the sound of a heart breaking isn't poetic. it's hollow. it's tragic. it calls for rituals. the denial, the shock, the anger, the disappointment, all culminating into hopelessness. just like a shrinking white star slowly collapsing inward. it's like death without the sleeping part.

2010-06-26T21:45:00.000-07:00

fill me with awe of you,
so that i am compelled to
dance with abandon—like king david.

2010-06-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

sweet jesus. oh, how i love thee.

you are beautiful.
all else fades to grey.

2010-06-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

{.it is a spiritual discipline to sit and be still.}

2010-06-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

i make myself sick.

{alpha beta}

2010-06-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

awestruck
buttons
challenge
dapper
euphoric
forte
gallivant
hallelujahs
idiosyncrasies
jovial
kisses
lifestyle
moonstruck
necessities
0vertness.
poise
quaint
respect
seeking
trundle
unique
vivid
wonder
xoxo
yearn
zest

2010-06-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

put a light out to lead me home.
'cause it's dark.

i wanna come home.

2010-05-24T23:28:00.000-07:00

i tweet.

2010-05-10T00:14:00.001-07:00

my heart continually makes me sick.

i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to do.

i don't know what to do.

2010-04-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

in thought and deed i made Him bleed.

2010-04-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

we had coffee this morning.
i heard mr. darcy's words coming from her mouth
as she related her sorrowful story to me.

2010-04-12T20:34:00.000-07:00

one who does not give grace does not understand grace.

God, you're so kind to me.
teach me to be kind to others.
teach me to understand your grace.

2010-04-02T16:58:00.001-07:00

i am simultaneously sinful and accepted.

-m.luther

buddy?

2010-03-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

2010-03-29T22:01:00.001-07:00

is it just me, or does it seem like everyone is getting hitched?

2010-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

.
.

you know you're in love
when you can't
fall asleep because
reality is finally better
than your dreams.

- dr. seuss

2010-03-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

i'm singin hallelujah.

sunburst

2010-03-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

giving my taste buds sight.

2010-02-24T14:17:00.000-08:00

I close my eyes and the world spins. When I look to each side the world turns in that direction, the longer I look, the faster it turns. I look down and the world tumbles over me. I look up and my body is bolted to the thick air around me. The only direction I can look is forward. But how long can someone only look forward?

2010-02-07T22:43:00.001-08:00

S.A.T.U.R.D.A.Y.
is for

sleeping in
understanding
nuances
day dreaming
affection
yawns

*

2010-01-24T21:08:00.000-08:00

2010-01-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

.he who would change the future must disturb the present.

100 - 1/365

2010-01-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

"If you live to be a hundred,
I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you"

Winnie the Pooh

emptiness is not silent

2010-01-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

2010-01-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

the
only thing
that ever sat
its way to
success was a
hen.

be vulnerable.

2009-12-30T14:16:00.001-08:00

love is not love until it is vulnerable.

*photo by megan kathleen mcisaac

2009-12-20T23:42:00.001-08:00

thought = destiny

2009-11-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits,

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

2009-11-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

how long has it been since someone touched

a part of you other than your body?

2009-09-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

.

.fill my cup so that it may be emptied again.

2009-09-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

for now we see
in a mirror dimly,
but then face to face.
now i know in part,
but then i shall know,
just as i am also known.

1cor13.12.

patpatpat

2009-09-23T19:49:00.001-07:00

happiness is a fuzzy kitten—or so i've heard...

2009-09-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

why were my eyes laden 
when it was never about me? 

somehow, 

i had come 

to think 

that I had 

a right to be 

a part of it.

today is not yesterday.

so, why was today so hard?

2009-08-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

{the best things in life aren't things}

coeur de pirate || comme des enfants

2009-08-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

i have no idea what she's saying... but whatever it is,

it's like magic.

dn | up

2009-08-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

write a note
to someone
you don't
know.

tie it to a balloon
and let it go.

i'll eat my cake.

2009-07-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

"do you want a lover, or do you want a life?"

...can't i have both?

i think i can
.
.
.
thanks

$3

2009-07-13T22:11:00.001-07:00

I would like to buy about three dollars worth of gospel, please. Not too much – just enough to make me happy, but not so much that I get addicted. I don’t want so much gospel that I learn to really hate covetousness and lust. I certainly don’t want so much that I start to love my enemies, cherish self-denial... I want ecstasy, not repentance; I want transcendence, not transformation... I would like enough gospel to make my family secure and my children well behaved, but not so much that I find my ambitions redirected or my giving too greatly enlarged. I would like about three dollars worth of the gospel, please.

- D.A. Carson

God, save my stupid, lazy heart.

time stopped... and started again.

2009-07-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Last night, I caught your eyes for the first time in months. Nam non neque odio, quis commodo quam. Sed arcu sapien, tristique faucibus tincidunt sit amet, tempor at eros. Vestibulum egestas molestie lectus, sed aliquam nulla ullamcorper eu. Integer feugiat congue rhoncus. Sed ipsum dui, adipiscing sit amet elementum ac, faucibus a urna. Why were they blue? Integer venenatis vestibulum ornare. Duis non sapien dolor, quis tristique arcu. Ut elementum suscipit malesuada. Vestibulum purus neque, tristique nec congue at, vestibulum eget urna. Cras id tortor eu arcu aliquet sodales eget at massa. Aliquam eleifend lobortis mi, non feugiat tortor venenatis et. You told me stories like you used to, when we sat under those old stairs. Vestibulum elementum imperdiet leo sed elementum. Phasellus urna ipsum, faucibus eu ullamcorper quis, ultrices eu sem. Quisque eget convallis risus. Vestibulum mollis, felis ac eleifend feugiat, dolor urna adipiscing odio, ut iaculis est lacus vel lectus. Aliquam laoreet nunc quis metus fermentum blandit. Time was irrelevant. Maecenas lacus elit, congue eget accumsan sed, porta et nibh. Nullam sollicitudin mauris eu felis sollicitudin consequat. Then, it was my turn. In venenatis pulvinar turpis, sit amet fringilla magna consequat nec. Etiam ligula sem, lobortis eu lacinia in, ullamcorper at metus. Pellentesque ipsum purus, adipiscing ac mollis eget, elementum quis quam. I had no stories to tell. Vivamus non rhoncus augue. Quisque mollis, sapien eu laoreet ullamcorper, nisl nibh auctor lectus, et feugiat enim sapien eget nibh. Maecenas fringilla, leo a aliquam volutpat, enim ante cursus quam, eget aliquam justo nisl id ligula. Nulla facilisi. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Morbi ut velit quis ligula hendrerit tempus. Phasellus luctus justo et leo mattis sit amet ullamcorper turpis dictum. So, I said goodbye. Aliquam eleifend lobortis mi, non feugiat tortor venenatis et.

.6.2.36.

2009-06-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

my color pallet went from six to
.t h i r t y s i x.

my suns are amber
my skies are sapphire
my sunsets are filled with seven hues,
rather than tinted with two.

it is marvelous.
how could I go back?

2009-05-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

{ I am caught in the art of losing myself }

4:20

2009-05-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

[.the kingdom
of God is not a
matter of talk
 but of power.]

.

... just think about that one for a second...

.

yeah, that's right.

.

let it rock your lifestyle.

not because of me.

2009-05-25T21:25:00.000-07:00

...thank you for blessing me in spite of me...

the man in my dream said...

2009-05-17T11:59:00.000-07:00

"...often, God will take away the things we highly value
in order to ensure that we value Him most."

[.my alarm clock buzzed in my ear, waking me up to a sky with no sun.]

for a cloud of
earthly securities
had billowed
up and blotted
out the sun
.
.
.

Lord, may it never be,
that I would find my security
in anything that could be
consumed by the fire.
help me to build my life solely
on the promises of your love.

.

2009-03-13T10:22:00.000-07:00

i've got my head in the clouds,
looking forward to a beautiful day
that will come without warning.

please let go

2009-02-10T22:08:00.001-08:00

i already know that i screwed things up.
today, like everyday, the awareness is acute.

... but really... what else can i do?

nothing; no, i can do nothing.
i just have to stand here and watch your broken heart bleed.

...dare i ask again for your forgiveness?

i see shadows.

2009-01-06T21:08:00.001-08:00

i have hope in this, only because i know that God is able to take my mess-ups, and turn them into something beautiful...

...however, i can't help but wonder, 'how will this produce anything other than stinging regret and excruciating heartache?'

[.i still believe in miracles.]

so, i wait and watch,
hoping that the sun will
one day break through this cloud
and show me the highlights
rather than the shadows.

yes.
i believe in miracles.

God... i will wait for you to move.
Lord... please move...

please.

it's snowing in my mind.

2009-01-05T15:28:00.001-08:00

snow globes are pretty when they have been shaken up.

my life is a snow globe.

2008-12-25T10:34:00.000-08:00

[. today, Love was born .]

what is vision?

2008-12-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

it isn't something that is abstract or intangible...

gaining true vision is more like using a highway atlas; it means having a perfectly clear picture of an ultimate destination
and a detailed road map to get there.

[steven k. scott]

Blink of an eye

2008-11-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

Just when you are ready to close your eyes,

life happens.

.

2008-11-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

[. each action pulls me towards another beautiful dimension... .]

molecules of loss.

2008-11-18T22:03:00.000-08:00

today, i watched the smoke and ash of
a million losses drift over the harbor.
today, i am reminded to store up treasure
that cannot be consumed by fire.

[.photo by george harrison.]

yes, i know it will.

2008-11-06T23:19:00.000-08:00

if it weren't for you,
i might just drown.
as it is, do you think you
could give the lifeline a wee tug...
just to remind me that
everything will be okay?

romans 1.29-31

2008-10-31T14:04:00.000-07:00

...being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness, they are whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful...

I look at this list and find that I am disgusted and appalled. What a base, wicked and horrific description of any existence.

Yet... this is exactly the description I would have if I would find for myself in the Bible... this is my description. I have no reason to hold my head above it. No, I have no standing above the owners of this description in any way.

This is who I am, yet God chose to save me.

my life's song.

2008-10-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

[. jars of clay | worlds apart .]

i like it like that.

2008-10-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

rain, rain, rain
come down hard.
really hard.

forward motion.

2008-09-30T21:12:00.000-07:00

I feel my grip loosen...
I feel my heart returning...

Now, i can return to forward motion.

.

2008-09-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. it means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.

homesick.

2008-09-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

Why, oh Lord do you continue to tarry?

I cannot even express the longing that my soul and heart feels. Every day, I
look at the clouds passing overhead, hoping... just hoping that they
might roll back and reveal your coming glory.

Not a day goes by that I not to feel pangs of homesickness—
homesickness for a home that I have never seen.

Even now, I wish I could close my eyes and only open them when
your face is before me.

Every tear I am shedding is counted by you... just know, they
are tears of longing for your face.

my soul longs, yes, even faints
for the courts of the Lord.
My heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God. ps84.2

...my citizenship is in heaven...
I eagerly wait.

just look for it.

2008-09-18T21:56:00.000-07:00

life is a perpetual haphazardness.

hence, there is something to be discovered behind every ephemeral moment.

2008-08-19T23:11:00.000-07:00

Her tears were as molten glass falling from her sun kissed face.

He calls to her with the quiet whisperings of His love;

like the rising, opal moon...
like the evergreen sapling...
like the amber sunlight at the breaking of a new day
is My love for you— it will always be.

Daddy, sing me to sleep.

1321

2008-08-13T19:08:00.000-07:00

hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

a thick atmosphere.

2008-08-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

do you ever go into a room and get the strong and overwhelming sense that you are not alone? You enter a room and can't help but glance over your shoulder and into the corners of the room to ensure yourself that your subconscious mind is not picking up a presence that you should acknowledge...