A demand.

I can't even begin to say how much God is speaking to me. He has been dissecting and dismantling my world. Over the past three months especially. Seriously—my journal pages are filled with battles in my soul, mind and heart. I made it my goal last year, before I left home, to come to the point of complete surrender and sensitivity to the voice and the leading of the Holy Spirit. My adamant prayer was that I would be able to completely let go of anything and everything that I was holding onto... die to my own dreams and desires so that I could be like a blank slate... waiting for God to write His will on me. Man... when you come to the point of honestly praying that prayer... God starts asking you to hand over things that you never wanted to or never realised you were holding so tightly. And it hurts... if it doesn't, then you know you're not there yet.

I'm scared to death of what God is requesting of me, but I have given it to Him... I cannot deny a demand from my Lord.

But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him - Philippians 3:7-9

it's worth it.

I keep half-expecting my head to drop and jolt me awake — removing me from the haze of emotions and unformed thoughts. But no, I glance out my window to see the breaking of a new day—I am already awake. The haze is a reality I will not wake from.

I look down at my hands resting in my lap and see that they are not empty... in my right hand, my fingers are tightly wrapped around my precious crystal memories. I glance at my left hand and see something that I've seen time and time again. Why does it always work that way? In the palm of my left hand, I try to hold onto a piece of me that lingers for a moment before quickly disappearing to form yet another little hole in my heart.

I find myself asking the question: is it worth it? Is it worth it to open yourself to enjoy deep fellowship, when in the end, the product simply slips through your fingers to be carried away on the wind like sand on a beach?

Pain is a high price to pay for love...

...but I think, in the end, it is worth every pang.