Glances

I have but a few ties that keep me there...
Most of the old ones seem now to be barriers wishing me away.
The worst are the scattered glances; they're not what they used to be.
Now, when I catch an eye, it is not the knowing glance or the moment of delicate trust,
But rather, glances of distant disinterest and increasing disapproval.

What am I doing wrong?
I seem to have lost all that once held me tight.
My security is gone and now as I try to rebuild it,
I flinch and falter at each disheartening glance
At the end of the day I am weary for lack of my old retreat and confidence...
That now, belongs to someone else.

Father, help me to run to you and you alone.
Let me not look for earthly approval,
But keep my eyes on my audience of one.



[.9.25.05.]

A Part Of Me

It is kind of strange to think, I have now lived here in Oregon longer than I have ever lived anywhere in my entire life. I am so used to leaving, forgetting, moving on, starting over and trying new things after three or four years; memories, dreams, friends... For the longest time, I thought that only good would come from it, but I am now feeling and seeing that there are certainly setbacks.

For as much as I knew, up until now, people stay the same. Now I see that living somewhere for four years is only enough to show you a small part of someone's life... you don't get to see the broad spectrum of them maturing and growing up... and they don't see yours. I am realizing I have never, in my entire life, had to maintain a relationship with anyone other than my family for more than 4 years. I have also never had someone move on from my relational sphere. I am realizing that I don't really know anyone else who has moved as much as I have. Most everyone I know has lived here all their lives and they don't understand where I am coming from.

I feel restless. A part of me wants to go away. A part of me wants to stay. A part of me just wants to give up.

Sometimes

On some matters the mind of the heart is wiser than the mind of the intellect.