Fear is a tyrant...

Looking back through my journal brings so many memories... embarrassing, happy, silly, painful...
One thing that I could not help but see is the innocence of an eleven year old girl--living as a perfectly content human without a care of what someone thought of me: no fear of man. I suppose that is, in truth, what it boils down to... I have an intense fear of man. I abhor doing something that makes me look or feel stupid, ill educated or undignified.

I do not know when or why it started.

I have been spoken to about it four years ago, but I had not really thought about in terms of "fear" until someone at a speech tournament said something about it... I have been haunted with the words spoken ever since.

Can I really be fearful of man?

Yes. I am.

Fear is a tyrant. Inescapable. Merciless. It has a vice hold. Ever advancing, never retreating. It lurks in my mind, with every move I make it seems to speak.

"Someone's watching... disapproving... pointing."

Can I ever overcome? A fortress can be ruined by a single crumbling cornerstone; a great ship can sink if there is one hole. I am not a fortress, nor am I a great ship... more like a small shack, or a life raft. None the less... if not reenforced, I will be weak. I am weak.

I despise you! Why wont you leave me be?! Why do you continue to torment me?! I have fought you ceaselessly, but you won't release me from your cruel grip... Oh, how I despise you.

Oh Father, Father... I am weary, unable to win lost ground, unable to fight with strategy. I have lost battle over battle, yet I will not lose this war. Father, oh Father, please take up your sword, take up your mighty force, and fight this war for me. Overcome this loathsome enemy, like you overcame your enemies of old. I stand before you in despare.

"In God I trust; I will not be afraid. For what can man do to me?"
- Psalm 56:11

"So I will say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'"
- Hebrews 13:6

Defining Beauty

Beauty is humble and does not boast.
Beauty is submissive and is not prideful
Beauty is teachable--ever eager to learn
Beauty speaks not ill of others, but rather,
Builds them up through words of love.
Beauty is virtuous and worth far more than rubies.
Beauty is always gentle and full of grace.
Beauty is the combination of wisdom and desecration.
Beauty is selfless--seeking only to serve others.
Beauty is not of the world, but of God.
Beauty is joyful, no matter the situation.
Beauty is sustained by the Holy Spirit.
Beauty does not quickly resort to anger,
But is always self controlled and forgiving.
Beauty is not defiled by gossip,
Nor is she tarnished by malice.
Beauty is girded with the waistband of truth,
And is protected by the breastplate of righteousness.
True beauty is all this and more,
And can only be acquired through the father.

Oh Father, this is my prayer...
... make me truly beautiful.

[. andie haugen .]
[3.28.2005.]

I wish I was a little girl again...

I wish I was a little girl again...
I wish I could go back to the times when
My appearance didn't matter,
And my emotions were simple.

Why, oh why does it all go so fast?
Can't I stay there a little longer?
Can't I go back to enjoy those innocent things,
Those things such as dress up and tea parties?

Oh, I wish, I wish...
But as I say those words,
I realize just how selfish they truly are.
It is not for the pleasures of the world
Which we should love, but rather,
We should delight in serving our Lord.

Oh, Father, Father!
Help me to be perfectly satisfied
With your wonderful plan.
Help me to learn from my past,
And desire my future...
Help me to live fully for you,
Wanting nothing apart from you...
Father, I am unable without you...

Please, help me...

[.2.9.2005.]
Andie Haugen

I Am Convinced

Everywhere I turn,
You meet me there...
In the valley of desolation,
Near the streams blessing,
In the sky of contemplation,
Beyond the shadow of fear,
Within a gust of perseverance,
Under the sea of opinion,
Yes, you are always there.

In all that I feel,
You meet me there...
During the moments of conviction,
Before a time of true perception,
Within the mill of doubt,
After minute of humility,
At the very instant of failure,
Yes, you are always there.

I am fully convinced,
My God will never abandon me.

[. andie haugen .]